Life Coaching: Why I Want to Know about Relationships, Self, Work

I’m not in the business of wasting anyone’s time, let alone my own. I prefer to jump in and get going so that the people I life coach can take action and make the changes that will enable them to get where they want to go in life, whether that’s changing careers, launching a new business, getting unstuck, or learning how to build better, more satisfying relationships.

On that very first session of working with anyone as a life coach, I ask them to list three facets of their lives in order of priority right now. From there, I ask them to explain why their priorities stack up the way they do. I tell them there is no right or wrong answer.  Seeing how people prioritize these three facets of life gives me a gauge on where they’re at and what we need to focus on.

Let’s say I’m working with someone named Lee who answers my question as follows: work, self, relationships.

I ask Lee to tell me more about why work comes first and the response I get goes something like: “Work is a big deal for me. I spend a lot of time working. I’m trying to focus on my career so that’s kind of my priority.”

I’d then ask Lee: “Why would you put yourself second?”

Lee might answer my question saying, “My second priority is myself because I have to be healthy, I have to be busy, and I have to have a sharp mind in order to do my work.”

Then I might ask, “Well, how are things in relationships?”

That might lead to a discussion about how there are problems or challenges in Lee’s primary romantic relationship as well as feeling lonely and out of touch with friends and family. Lee has basically worked himself into a state of being in which there is not much that is sustaining him on an emotional level and because of this, Lee probably also feels alienated, lonely, and is missing some of the joy and inspiration that was once fueled his work and zeal for success. Once Lee comes back to a more balanced state of being in his life, the areas of self and work will also be reinvigorated. 

Now let’s say I’m life-coaching Erin. His list is as follows: self, relationships, work.

I ask Erin to tell me more about why self comes first. To this he responds with the old adage, “The only way you can be there for others is to put yourself first, first.”

He then goes on to tell me with a shrug that nearly everyone in his life thinks he’s selfish. It may be easy for some of us to categorize people like Erin who list “self” first as either selfish on one hand or self-aware on the other, but that’s not necessarily the case. Oftentimes a person prioritizes themselves first because there is an issue, either real or perceived, that causes them to limit their connection with others.

Through our life coaching sessions, Erin comes to see an entrenched negative belief is keeping him stuck: Erin does not feel attractive. As a result, Erin tries to remedy this feeling by buying expensive clothes or an expensive car. To the outward eye, this may simply look selfish. What is really happening is Erin is spending a lot of energy focusing on making himself more worthy of love or affection and of being someone people like. Paradoxically, this leads Erin to misplace his time and make those closest to him feel unappreciated or unloved.

Someone like Erin may also alienate others when things get too close, intimate, or satisfying by creating drama or disaccord in relationships. This ultimately leads to more time focusing on the self and the perceived “problem” and, again, to the outward eye, he just looks like a selfish person. 

With so much energy going towards making himself feel more secure and maintaining the up-and-down relationships he has with others, work becomes a non-priority, barely a bleep on the radar screen. When it comes right down to it, Erin has prioritized himself as first, others as second, and work as third because he believes success means nothing without great friends and relationships. After some coaching, Erin can see for himself that it’s his negative belief about not being attractive that is holding him back. Dealing with this will ultimately make it possible for him to maintain better relationships and also enable him to have more energy to devote to his business.

I’m life coaching Whitney, whose list goes like this: relationships, work, self.

Whitney is always there for others. Being a wife, mother of two, and a full social calendar keeps Whitney hopping from thing to another, despite the fact that little of it has anything to do with her own interests or sense of self.

When I ask Whitney why relationships come first for her, she looks at me with a perplexed expression that says, “How could they not?”

In fact, underneath it all, Whitney feels she has lost herself but since she’s always busy, this feeling is something she doesn’t pay much attention to. It pops up sometimes when she’s by herself, maybe watching TV or falling asleep after a long, hectic day.

Work is important because it makes it possible for Whitney to maintain those relationships and meet all the obligations that come with being a mother and co-provider for the family. After being there for her kids, husband, and friends, Whitney’s inner self is hardly noticed or taken seriously. Putting everyone else first and one’s own self last is not sustainable. This is the very thing Whitney is preventing herself from recognizing. Nevertheless, feeling disappointed and purposeless are two feelings operating right below the surface. Depression is a state of being for Whitney but, because she is high-functioning and always has a smile on her face, it goes unnoticed by those closest to her. Through our life coaching sessions, Whitney locates what she wants for herself, aside from her roles as mother, wife, and provider. She taps in and starts to create opportunities to feed and honor this inner self. As Whitney realigns with her core, she begins to prioritize her relationships in a more thoughtful and judicious way. In the process, she regains a sense of self-determination. The gratitude she has for her life and family is not minimized, but deepened by this realization. Work becomes more than just a means to an end. It’s a place for Whitney to utilize her talents and make things happen. 

We do not have to feel stuck, dissatisfied, or off-purpose in our lives. As a life-coach, I help direct you towards recognizing the behaviors, beliefs, and mindsets that are holding you back from getting everything you want in life. Although all paths to self-realization are positive, seeing and feeling the truth for yourself is far more profound and life-changing than simply reading a book, attending a talk, or getting good advice from someone. Life coaching is a dynamic process that enables you to feel and experience your truth for yourself. It enables all individuals to find their truth and create a sustainable way forward for themselves. I am privileged and honored to guide you through the process of unleashing the power you have to transform yourself and build a life you love.